Image: Richard Stachmann

Modifying Routines to Support an Ever-Evolving Family

Routines are key to a healthy and calm home because children thrive on repetition, familiarity, and knowing their role in the family system. Solid expectations in a healthy setting lead to a quieter and happier mind, in both children and adults.

Maybe your child has started to climb out of their crib and they’re ready for a toddler bed. Perhaps your children are used to dessert after dinner every night and you want to reduce their sugar intake. Maybe school drop-off is getting too complicated and stressful for you both.

Change is needed when we’ve grown out of an old habit that no longer serves us.

A change in any routine can seem daunting. Being a parent means often stepping into a leadership role that we might not feel adequately prepared to handle. So when it’s “executive decision time,” it might be more difficult to enforce that change than we had originally thought.

Some of the tools in this article will guide you, no matter what the moment of change presents.

In order to successfully address any modification in a routine, we have to both Prepare and Practice alongside our child. It’s not just about informing the child and following through with boundaries; you need to prepare yourself, too.

First, let’s look at your role as the adult in this parent-child dynamic:

It’s okay to be nervous. You may have those “yikes, this is going to be terrible” thoughts. Allow space to vent with a friend or reach out to a parent coach if you’re already struggling to tackle this endeavor. We know that children sense the version of themselves we demonstrate to them (“we are their mirror”), and we want to reflect competence and confidence so the child can harness that version of themselves. That’s why it’s so important to honor your anxiety away from your child.

Done venting? Next step is to: Prepare yourself with realistic expectations.

Maybe the new routine will take longer for a few weeks, or there may be some more tantrums or a slight change in behavior. Consider these logistics in advance and decide how you will manage whatever change you’re addressing. Don’t forget to think about how and who you could ask for help, in advance.

In order to simplify examples in this article, I will use a crib-to-bed transition as the “modification in routine.”

Now, let’s Prepare the child.

• Share facts alongside competence and optimism, “Yes, this toddler bed is new and it might be hard to adjust at first but I also know you’re ready for this, it’s exciting! We’ll get through it together.”
• Create thoughts or lists about what will change and what will remain the same. This can help children feel safe amidst a transition. “Lying on a bed is different, right? A bigger mattress and having all of this open space around will feel new. But some things will stay the same: we will still sing our goodnight song before I tuck you in and leave the room.”

Practice

Make time for ‘dry runs’

If it’s helpful, go through the full (accelerated) bedtime routine. “Let’s practice lying down in the bed and keeping our body calm, just like when we’re asleep. This way, when you’re in your bed, it won’t feel so new because you’ve done it before.”

Try pretend play

Pretend play allows a child to practice a new skill and feel less alone, so use your child’s favorite play item to “join them” in their transition. You could even reverse roles and let them be in charge and put you to bed; children really enjoy this.

Get ahead of problems

Think about what part of the transition may be especially tricky for your child and explore what feelings/options they’ll have. “I wonder what it will be like if you wake up and the light is still dark outside? What could you do?”

Don’t forget, you’re the Parent.

You decide why the change needs to be made and you are enforcing that change in your home. Consult your partner, fellow like-minded parents, or even your pediatrician or parent coach if you have doubts whether the change is beneficial for their age and stage of development.

Remember: your role is to decide what is needed for a healthy development and to enforce boundaries around that change with love, empathy, and some flexibility at times.

Your child’s role is to respond to those boundaries and experience their emotions. Will those emotions always be positive? Certainly not. They’re sure to protest a change in their beloved routine. That’s okay, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Lead them through their struggles with empathy and understanding.

I’ll leave you with this simple mantra, which you might find beneficial: “Transitions can be a struggle. We have to struggle to learn. We will get through this.”